This heart portrait was a break through for me!  And I'd like to share it with you.  There are two parts.

As I was coloring this heart, one I didn't like that it was not shaped the right way - Not liking it when things in general aren't "perfect".  Now I see this metaphor.  Also coloring my heart this green, the color of my heart (check out a map of the chakras) I noticed all this emotion, it was confusing, intense and a little overwhelming, and there was some sadness.  It was as if I was feeling all of the emotions at once.  Maybe that is what is going on?  Then as I colored over the pink and purple it became black.  Just like the "Splinter."  So its not actually pain, maybe its just a little bit of energy from a different area inside my heart?  Pink is my throat and purple is my head.  Yep, so they are in my heart because this is how I have coped for so long.  Thinking my way to love and saying what I should.  And all of the emotions that I'm feeling are overwhelming and bring me to tears often.  WOW, what a big breakthrough!  Its ok to feel all of these different emotions all at once.  My heart kind of turned irridescent and shined while writing this <3  Like I just found its true power.  

So I don't need to say what I should anymore.  And I don't need to think my way to love anymore.  Feeling everything is going to be uncomfortable for a little while.  But this is where you will live your true power.  I'm feeling so grateful to see this.  I feel like the blind man in Amelie when she grabs him, helps him across the street, and describes everything in such detail that the man feels like he can see.

​https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDobYBPEquo

I'll paste the video below.  Its one of my favorite scenes in any movie of all times.  Its makes my heart smile and tears come to my eyes every time, as I can't stop smiling.

Here is only the heart.​

Now, on the continuation of my drawing, I drew all the glowing, radiating, mingling energy that feels iridescent.  Now I understand.  And all these times that I feel sad or cry not totally clear of the reason, now I know its just so much emotion, its not lingering underlying depression.  Though many of the emotions are sad, now I know that I experience many emotions at the same time, and it will take time for me to be comfortable with this.  So I say good bye to you as I feel glowing just like the blind man in Amelie.

I know each one of our paths is different.  Its wonderful that we are all at different places experiencing different things.  Today was a success for me.  In a lot of ways.  My outside physical world is a reflection of my internal successes today.  And my Aunt and Uncle are a giant part of making it happen.  I don't know that I will be able to convey how grateful, proud, and happy I am here, but I'm going to try!

Today I went to Ikea with my Aunt and Uncle.  This Uncle is a very good man, and a role model for me.  This Aunt is also a second mom.  I am so blessed to have many second moms <3.  I just moved into a new apartment, and am looking for space maximization!  So they drove 40 minutes to meet me at Ikea, helped me buy the bed, and then came back to my home & built the bed.  Which I didn't ask them to do... I hadn't thought this part out, I just figured I would figure it out... I'm SO GRATEFUL they built the bed for me, I helped when I could.  Now I have my dream apartment, with this amazing luxuriously soft rug, and my perfect bed.  

Surprisingly to me, I have picked what I used to deem very girly colors.  I have light pink sheets, with a silverish rug.  Its beautiful!  I feel like a princess (heart so happy I'm crying).  I've read several books lately, and have been doing a lot of internal work.  Some of the stuff has been confronting what femininity means to me, and going into that.  Until a month ago, I had no idea I really dis-identified with being feminine, and it was actually a bad thing in my eyes.  Then I read the book "Pussy" by Regena Thomas-Hauer, and am connecting to my inner GPS, and I am really surprised by what is coming out.  Like me picking super girly things, and identifying with feeling like a princess, and liking it.  I am moving into my true heart space.  Its a place I have always wanted to be.  It feels like love all the time :) I'm getting teary eyed as I type this.  Because I am so grateful to be here, and because I'm sad that I didn't understand what this was until now.  I have all these wonderful things and I actually believe that I deserve it.  This is such a giant accomplishment for me, and I need to celebrate with you.  This bed is like a trophy of the emotional confronting marathon that I have been "running" for the past three years.  And now I am experiencing they pay-off.  

Whatever you have going on in your life, if you are doing and feeling great, awesome!  Keep celebrating, keep it up!  If you are having a hard time, please keep tuning into your heart, keep doing the things that make you feel happier or better, keep meditating, doing yoga, facing yourself, and keep doing affirmations.  And yes, please celebrate all of your successes, no matter how tiny.  Each time you celebrate your success, you open the door for more celebration within yourself, and those around you.  I know that might be hard for some of you to understand, but its true, so just believe me until you start to see it for yourself.

I want this love for everyone.  And its 100% possible.
Hugs, Jessica

I pulled out my drawing book and pastels... and drew my default - a heart portrait.  Big surprise....  BUT what came out was actually a surprise to me.  Its the reflection of a minor success!  

Earlier today I was meditating and ended up removing a lot of chords.  What are chords you might ask?  Chords are an energetic connection that you hold with someone else.  If they are wanted you usually don't notice they are there.  If they are not wanted you will feel something physically there.  And when you look at that area, someone will come to mind.  That is the person that you share an energetic connection or attachment to.  Aka chords.  To me it feels like a lingering ache that you've had for so long you don't really notice it anymore.  
Anyway during my meditation, a lingering pain was in my heart, but nothing was coming up, so I decided to remove some chords (see Teal's video below).  It feels very weird, like you are removing a part of yourself.  But I asked my guides to help me, and the chords took up almost half of my heart.  I couldn't believe it.  I will most likely need to come back to this during another meditation.  But once I was finished I filled myself up with as much emerald green gold and love that I could, then I drank a lot of water.  I opened my eyes and let myself come back.

Speed up six hours later, to right now, and it turns out I drew my true authentic heart!  I couldn't believe what came out when I started drawing.   A feeling of love and relief filled me as I smiled and continued to happily finish my heart.  To me this heart is the color of my energy, I'm a lavender purple.  But I am constantly changing, and so the mixing of the colors shows the dynamic movement that is my nature, while still staying in the purple family.  I know this may sound weird to some of you, but this heart is accurate to who I really am.  I'm so happy that I am lined up with my truth!  This is an emotional and spiritual victory for me, and I wanted to share it!  I hope that my being vulnerable and exposing a pretty "weird" experience gives your encouragement to try this out.

If you are new to meditation I really love guided meditations.  There are tons on youtube.  If you already meditate, I'd like to encourage you to keep going.  I know that sometimes really painful stuff can come up, but I promise there are wonderful unimaginable things on the other side.  Though my journey will never be "finished" my life is changing for the better in ways I could not have imagined, and the same is waiting for you too.  Share your heart portrait below :)

Love, Jessica
​

Hello Beauties.

Art is one of my favorite modes of communication. Probably because I communicate much better with my hands, than speaking. I can write you a 6 page letter to describe one feeling, and I think that color holds even more communication than any word. I hope that you are enjoying my heart journals, and I would really encourage you to try it out for your self. It can take less than 5 minutes, and I bet you'll feel very satisfied. Most of the time I begin to draw my heart because of an uncomfortable feeling, but I always feel better after finishing just one picture. They are not always pretty, just like our emotions. But just like our emotions all of the colors exist for a reason, and when matched with the right match they are surprisingly beautiful. My hearts that I will share today I don't think need much description, I do believe that they communicate plenty just as an image. But more importantly I want to share the relief that I feel afterwards. Just from acknowledging how I feel makes it loving.

Try it for your self, draw or even scribble your current state and see what comes from it.
​

Hello everyone.  I'm not sure this is such a happy post, but I still want to share.  Maybe some of you can relate, maybe this will give some of you permission to feel whatever you feel.  I just did a meditation.  And what came up for me was feeling helpless.  Feeling helpless is an extreemly uncomfortable feeling for me. I just kept seeing the home that I lived in as a little kid, before 6 years old.  I really don't have many memories of that house, other than the balcony, the giant table that I always liked.  And a vacant spot for my dad that would move.  I remember my mom, but more as an occupied space, rather than a person that I loved and loved me.  I remember my Grandma getting annoyed at us because we were so excited to eat the chocolate pudding, that one is a good memory :)  I remember the sensaton of spreading cottage cheese on the giant table.  I know this story very well, because it freaked my mom out to find her baby on top of the table.  But I remember liking the lumpy/smooth & spreadable sensation (for those that know me, this is still a defining quality that I often laugh about it with my best friends because it drives them nuts).  And it was all very blury, all of it, but the feeling of helplessness was very loud.  This was pretty uncomfortable, because I have always strongly disliked helpless people, often calling them pathetic, not outloud, but labeling "them" to myself.  I decided to draw... ended up drawing a heart.  Though I think that it turned out perfect, this time it wasn't particularly enjoyable.  

In general I really like pink, I use pink a lot in my meditations - its always love.  And often I really like pink clothes.  But this time I can still feel the lack of control or direction, its very raw.  I included the zoomed up picture to show the textrue.  While typing this article tears started pouring out.  Actually that's what I think I needed.  Its so vulnerable, and there, and very aware of the pain of being so dependent.  But that's exactly what love is.  Its just there.  Waiting and praying for you to pick it up and love it back.  Kind of helpless.

As Teal Swan would say, I got into my shadows.  And I was not aware of how deep this one was.  I will do my best to allow this feeling to be.  That's a big reason of why I am writing this article, to just let my helplessness be, to let all of you see it.  Though I am an adult now, I think that little girl that was so dependent for her survival, even at 2 years old, could not handle feeling helpless, she could not handle not understanding why, so assigned meaning to everything.  My vacant Dad was because he didn't love us.  Whenever I did something wrong, its because I was bad, it was my fault.  That made me feel better, if it was my fault, then at least I had some control.  If I was helpless, then it wouldn't have been my fault, and I wouldn't have figured out how to avoid being yelled at.  Not that I had a "bad" childhood.  But we all have our pain, and it all comes from somewhere, weather it makes sense or not to other people, is ok.  Its ok, if it originates from a perception, or from outside trauma.  Its ok that you were hurt, its ok that acknowledging that hurt might hurt other people. Its ok if someone else might think its trivial.  The truth is that nothing in your heart is trivial, because its your heart, and you matter.
I would really love to see other people's heart drawings.
You do matter.

​I slept on it... I woke up with a weighed down heart, I've been trying my best to let "being helpless" be ok.  Its hard to let uncomfortable emotions be ok, I think most of us have been trained the opposite, that its not ok, that you have to turn that frown upside down!  But after writing and meditating a bit more, I came to the conclusion (I know that's not the right word) that it is actually very strong to let yourself be helpless.  I think helplessness is a feeling of a lack of control or none at all, paired with not understanding how its all going to work out.  You are at the mercy of who or whatever you are dependent on.  Just as a small child is dependent on their parent or care taker.  But it takes strength to allow that to be ok, in a way its telling the Universe, "I trust in the universe, I trust that I will be provided for."  The sting has left :)  Its ok not to understand how, when or where its going to all come together, but it will.  
I have fait, its quiet, but its there.  

In continuation of Blue Heart.  I am trying to draw every day, it doesn't matter what it is, as long as I do it for at least 5 minutes.  So today when I sat down, I pulled out my drawing book, and I chose pastels (again, they are my favorite).  My favorite thing to do is to scribble, then highlight what you see, usually with the intention of drawing a face.  I will use this method for designing as well.  But I decided to draw a heart again.  Then decided to try to draw what it looks like right now.  I think that I did a good job, although I don't know how pretty this one is.  But in drawing it, I understand much better what is going on in my heart.  This is where I feel the most things, in reference to meditation, and inner child work...

So its mostly happy and passionate.  The blue is a cover for saddness.  Deep in the center there is a tiny hurt, like a splinter.  I have been trying to see this and heal it for a very long time, but when I try to look at it in meditation I fall asleep.  I have been dating someone, and I can see that I will fall for him,  but I think that is already happening.  While I am happy, I am equally if not more, freaking out, feeling past hurts, and shooting up walls.  He calls me on it, and demands that I explain what going on to him.  That is exactly what I have always wanted, no guy has ever noticed or cared to understand.  And the fact that he can see it, and wants to talk about it makes me so vulnerable.  I'm on the verge of tears just writing about it, and this blog is annomys!  Well unless you already know my art. And this splinter becomes sharp, like a pulsing heartbeat...  What is it that you want to tell me sharp very burried hurt?  It says don't leave me.  What if I didn't leave you?  What if you came with?  Wow, it got quiet, and said ok.
..............................................................................
I understand this article probably made the least sense.  It kind of turned into a journal entry, where often I personify parts of myself, and have conversations with myself.  There aren't very good transitions from the thoughts that I want to share with you all, to the conversations with myself.  But I'm not going to change it.  If you would like to send in your heart portrait, I would love to see it!  I'll post anyone's authentic heart portrait.  I'd also encourage you to do it everyday, or as often as you can.  Just like the Blue Heart, I was feeling sad, but then it turned out so pretty, that I wasn't sad anymore, I actually became very happy, and felt a feeling of being inlove - I think its very easy to be inlove with things, moments, art, life... not just in a relationship.

You can e-mail me at                  5minutesistheway@gmail.com
(5 minutes is the way)

​Heart you, Jessica