Helpless Heart

Hello everyone.  I'm not sure this is such a happy post, but I still want to share.  Maybe some of you can relate, maybe this will give some of you permission to feel whatever you feel.  I just did a meditation.  And what came up for me was feeling helpless.  Feeling helpless is an extreemly uncomfortable feeling for me. I just kept seeing the home that I lived in as a little kid, before 6 years old.  I really don't have many memories of that house, other than the balcony, the giant table that I always liked.  And a vacant spot for my dad that would move.  I remember my mom, but more as an occupied space, rather than a person that I loved and loved me.  I remember my Grandma getting annoyed at us because we were so excited to eat the chocolate pudding, that one is a good memory :)  I remember the sensaton of spreading cottage cheese on the giant table.  I know this story very well, because it freaked my mom out to find her baby on top of the table.  But I remember liking the lumpy/smooth & spreadable sensation (for those that know me, this is still a defining quality that I often laugh about it with my best friends because it drives them nuts).  And it was all very blury, all of it, but the feeling of helplessness was very loud.  This was pretty uncomfortable, because I have always strongly disliked helpless people, often calling them pathetic, not outloud, but labeling "them" to myself.  I decided to draw... ended up drawing a heart.  Though I think that it turned out perfect, this time it wasn't particularly enjoyable.  

In general I really like pink, I use pink a lot in my meditations - its always love.  And often I really like pink clothes.  But this time I can still feel the lack of control or direction, its very raw.  I included the zoomed up picture to show the textrue.  While typing this article tears started pouring out.  Actually that's what I think I needed.  Its so vulnerable, and there, and very aware of the pain of being so dependent.  But that's exactly what love is.  Its just there.  Waiting and praying for you to pick it up and love it back.  Kind of helpless.

As Teal Swan would say, I got into my shadows.  And I was not aware of how deep this one was.  I will do my best to allow this feeling to be.  That's a big reason of why I am writing this article, to just let my helplessness be, to let all of you see it.  Though I am an adult now, I think that little girl that was so dependent for her survival, even at 2 years old, could not handle feeling helpless, she could not handle not understanding why, so assigned meaning to everything.  My vacant Dad was because he didn't love us.  Whenever I did something wrong, its because I was bad, it was my fault.  That made me feel better, if it was my fault, then at least I had some control.  If I was helpless, then it wouldn't have been my fault, and I wouldn't have figured out how to avoid being yelled at.  Not that I had a "bad" childhood.  But we all have our pain, and it all comes from somewhere, weather it makes sense or not to other people, is ok.  Its ok, if it originates from a perception, or from outside trauma.  Its ok that you were hurt, its ok that acknowledging that hurt might hurt other people. Its ok if someone else might think its trivial.  The truth is that nothing in your heart is trivial, because its your heart, and you matter.
I would really love to see other people's heart drawings.
You do matter.

​I slept on it... I woke up with a weighed down heart, I've been trying my best to let "being helpless" be ok.  Its hard to let uncomfortable emotions be ok, I think most of us have been trained the opposite, that its not ok, that you have to turn that frown upside down!  But after writing and meditating a bit more, I came to the conclusion (I know that's not the right word) that it is actually very strong to let yourself be helpless.  I think helplessness is a feeling of a lack of control or none at all, paired with not understanding how its all going to work out.  You are at the mercy of who or whatever you are dependent on.  Just as a small child is dependent on their parent or care taker.  But it takes strength to allow that to be ok, in a way its telling the Universe, "I trust in the universe, I trust that I will be provided for."  The sting has left :)  Its ok not to understand how, when or where its going to all come together, but it will.  
I have fait, its quiet, but its there.