Internal Rant, Love me

​What is the point of worrying?  For some reason I find myself worrying.  What does worrying do for me?  It’s a form of brainstorming/figuring things out, but really the only way to truly figure things out is to actually try it.  Its like research.  I need to truly do my research and then I can make a good decision.  I can’t actually make a good decision right now.  I need to try it out, give it a real shot, then I will know.  And I will just know.  It will be loud and clear if it is a yes or a no.  I have had loud and clear no's.  It did hurt.  But I am ok now.  And in some ways I'm more prepared for the next thing.  A little bit more clear on what I want.  A little more clear on what I was overlooking for myself, for the things that are important to me.  Also part of the reason that it did hurt is that I was overlooking things that are very important to me.  I was trying to force something that wasn’t ready to be, or even right to be.  Is that what I want?  For something to be for me that is actually wrong for me? NO.  I want something that is truly for me, uplifting, inspiring, and natural.  For that to happen I need to be more allowing, forgiving.  I need to invest in my own happiness.  Because there I will find what fits in with my happiness.  When I am forcing something, it is fitting in, sort of, to what is going on at the moment.  And if that’s not where I want to be, then how can I expect it to change into what I want it to change into, especially if I am not even 100% clear on what exactly I want.  I think I know exactly what I want.  But then wasn’t I forcing it to mold into what I thought I wanted? Yes.  How would that ever last???  I was forcing it to be something it wasn’t.  That's too much effort against the grain, that's not what I want.  I want it to be easy.  To be natural.  So then I need to practice loving myself.  So then it's easy for it to be there in the space that is actually available.  And that is how the whole world is.  Everything is a relationship.  I have a relationship with money.  I have a relationship with my jobs, I have a relationship with men.  I have a relationship with one man – at a time.  I have a relationship with each of my family, and with myself.  So then won’t all of these relationships be better if I focus on the one that I have the most control over?  I literally can choose things all day long that make me the happiest.  Everything is a choice.  Normally its between two things, sometimes three.  But I can choose each time the one that would best support my happiness.  And that would position me for the most favorable relationships that I want.  I want more money.  Isn’t it easier to accept more money when I am happy? Yes.  And its easier to feel the joy of more money when I am happy.  It just raises my happiness barometer even higher.  Like having my own apartment.  I am so happy.  And my happiness can continue to grow.  I can eventually be so full I overflow.  And somedays I am that happy that I overflow.  I love it.  And its ok that its not everyday.  I am learning.  Its ok that I fluctuate quite a bit.  Right now things are very exciting.  Its wonderful.  And at the same time I am having a hard time relaxing.  That is how I have always been.  Its ok.  For now it takes me a little time to get used to my dreams being reality.  To trust that my dreams are going to happen.  Its ok.  I have practiced not trusting for a very long time.  Of course it will take practice.  Its ok.  There is nothing wrong with me for that.  I love you Jessica.  I’m still here.  I’m not mad at you for anything.  I’m just ready for when you need me, and when you are relaxed I am pulling strings to bring your dreams into alignment.  Its all ok.  Its all alright.  Things are changing.  Things are not going to be the same.  And that is good.  Your dreams are coming true.  Faster than you know.  Or rather than you can understand.  Try to trust me, try to let go.  Good job today.  The day is now over.  Its ok to stop thinking.  Its ok to say good night to the world.  Just because you stop thinking about it doesn’t mean it stops happening.  There is nothing you can do to keep your dreams away.  The universe truly does know the best, fastest, and most enjoyable way to bring it all to you, some of the things you didn’t even know to ask.  The universe works best when you let go and trust it.  It loves to surprise you and shower you with gifts that it knows you will love.  But its no fun if you keep constantly peeking.  You have children in your future.  Your own children, that you gave birth to.  You have an incredible husband.  Who loves you more than anything he has ever know in his life.  You have wonderful friends, and you are close with your family.  You love your life.  And the best thing you can do tonight is let go.  TRUST. And then tomorrow, do things that make you feel love.  That’s it.  Its simple.  But its not what you are used to, and that is ok, the universe understands this will take some practice for you, and is patient.  And will continue to encourage you.  You have always been given support when you truly needed it, even though you would doubt, because that is what you thought would create a safety net for you.  But things are changing.  Doubt did serve a purpose for you once.  It did help you raise your game, your standards.  And that’s great.  Thank you.  Now its ok to let go, to practice something else.  Letting go doesn’t mean your quality or work ethic will go down, you have mastered that.  That skill isn’t going anywhere.  Now is manifestation time.  It’s a fun time, it’s a powerful time, and its new.  That’s ok.  Its ok that it takes practice.  Just keep trying, just like you always have.  Exactly the way you are is perfect.  There is a very good reason you are the way you are.  Somebody needed you to be this way desperately.  For now there is no need to decide.  When the time is right each decision will be loud and clear, just like they always have been.  Except now you are growing stronger, and the stress of decisions will not be there.  Sort of like its getting easier.

Love you.