I wanted to share some interesting synchronicity. As you know from this on line journal I am trying to manifest a large amount of money so that I can buy a house that I love, in a neighborhood that I love and feel safe in, that I can easily afford. In order for me to easily afford the mortgage payments, I need quite a large down payment (because I want to live in a nice area). I am tracking my progress publicly so that when I have manifested the money, or the house, I don't necessarily need the money to get the house... you will be able to see what I did and learn what may work for you.
So I just flew 6 days in a row. It was exhasuting, but good, luckily I slept good most nights. So it was a two day and a 4 day. The night inbetween the two trips I was "in base" which means I can go home... and if there is a delay it is my own responsibility where I sleep, if we are delayed so bad, that going home would mean I would only have the opportunity to sleep three hours that is my choice to get a hotel, spend $200 and have the opportunity to sleep 6 hours, or go home, spend $30 for my normal transportation and maybe sleep 3 hours, if I fell asleep right away and slept good. Stress!
I ended up reaching out to one of my friends who I have become quite close with and asked if I could crash at her place. She lived about 30 minutes away compared to my home, 1.5 hours away. She said I could say at her place, I was SO grateful. I ubered there and back. Uber cost me about $100 totoal, I was kind of stressing about that, because it was another expense that I was not planning on. I am trying to manifest money and I feel like I keep getting these unexpected expenses that take money away. But I was grateful so I put the cost out of my mind.
We talked during my trip, I can't wait to hang out with her next week, we have some cool ideas that we are collaborating together. Most of my 4 day I was kind of mad at the universe because I really wanted my flight to get cancelled and stay at our layover the first night of my two day. I usually get what I want when it relates to weather, so I was a little mad at myself, wondering what was going on with my energy and the universe. It would have been so nice to sleep in and get pay protected for the rest of my 4 day. BUT obviously that was not what was best for all parties involved. So since I believe that everything ultimately works out for me, I was eager to see what 'that something better' was. My whole 4 day I was eaglerly waiting for something better to show up. There was a guy I thought was kind of cute, he seemed super flirtatios, I wondered "ok, maybe I will meet someone" that would hands down be way better than being pay protected. I ended up running into him on the last day, and his vibe completely changed. He was very unavailable, ok, I guess not him...
On my last layover I was doing my yoga getting ready for bed, and I turned over, and saw something under the bed. I stopped, and went to check it out. It was $100 cash! At first I felt a little bad. But I realized I would have no way of figuring out who this money belonged to. The hotel would not give me the names of the people in the room the night before nor put me in touch with the cleaners that cleaned that room. Plus they are supposed to vacuum under the bed. Then I also realized that if there was money under the bed, most likely these people had no idea they lost it, making it even harder to get it back to the right person. Not to mention if they were even honest. The law of prosperity says that those who do not think they deserve it will not even see what they desire, let alone notice if they miss it. And those that do believe they deserve it, will have it flow to them effortlessly. I decided to accept that the universe is giving me this $100 to pay for the uber rides.
And now having a few days to rest and think about what happened. Ultimately I was fine with the delay. I was tired, but I caught up on sleep. But what filled my heart, and possibly taught me a new lesson, is that I do have a true genuine friend, that is truly there for me, who I can turn to if I really need. She let me stay at her house even though she was not home. While I would do this for many people, including crew members that I just met that day, I have never felt that before, where other people are there for me like I am for them. Including my closest friends that I have been friends with for 10 years, and many family members. I have always been so afraid of being a burden to other people. I would honestly rather pay $500 for a hotel room than ask my mom to pick me up at 3 am, because of how much of an inconvenience I am. This truth is heart breaking whenever I think about it. But now things are changing, I am changing, I am now attracting people into my life that are truly there for me <3 This lesson was worth the delay, and only sleeping 5 hours, and paying $100 in uber rides. Thank you for being my friend, thank you for teaching me that I have people to rely on without one ounce of guilt. Thank you for letting me be me, something that is still quite scary to expose, but I am getting better.
So while this looks like nothing even close to manifesting a large amount of money, I manifested the knowledge in my heart that I have a real friend, and the universe even paid for the transportation :) This is a giant step in the right direction <3
Today I'd like to share my meditation. Today I set my timer for an hour, I started out sitting down, and was very fidgety, I decided to lay down. It felt like I had already been meditating for 20 minutes, only 5 minutes had passed. This is common for me to be very uncomfortable in the beginning of meditating. Very often my energy feels like lots of the blue balls in racket ball and the room is shaking to make the balls bounce faster and more all over the place.
*Warning: this is a painful meditation.
I lay down and I begin to settle down. PS I love Teal Swan. I usually meditate following some form of the guidelines from her book The Completion Process. I settle down and I notice a pain high in my stomach right below my rib cage, it feels kind of like a rock. I ask it what it would like to tell me. I don't get anything, I ask when was the first time you showed up, and flash to middle school. Some scenes in middle school are playing out, I experience defiance & rage towards my mom, then it flashes to me as a little kid, maybe 3 or 4, and its flashing back and forth. This is really confusing so I just try to be present with it. Then I hear "I don't want to any more, I'm not where I want to be. I'm stuck." I can only repeat that for a few minutes, then the colors show up. I'm not where I want to be, and see the color aqua. Ok, I don't want to be aqua anymore. (I'm not where I want to be. I'm so aware of this in my daily waking life.) That means I don't want to be what I'm "supposed" to be anymore = aqua. Then purple flashes. I'm actually purple. And the purple changes all different versions, lilac, lavender, royal purple, eggplant, muted, neon... Its really fun, it feels free. I'm lots of contradicting things, I don't want to fit into your box anymore. Then something in my head highlights, then something in my stomach. They all connect. I am staying present with all of these sensations. I try talking to the purple, it starts fading to grey and I start feeling panic.
Resentment comes up, then I realize that is what the scene from middle school represents. Then it flashes to 4 year old me, and Approval flashes. I am desperate for my mom's approval. They are fighting. Resentment is mean, and approval cowers away, but keeps popping up in different areas, trying to please, and get approval. This is very confusing to me, I don't understand how I can have opposite emotions in the same place. I decide to try Teal's technique of completely hearing each one out. So I talk to resentment, and she wants to burn the current house my mom lives in down to the ground, so that if you went back you would have no idea what used to exist. I let her. She completely destroys the entire neighborhood. She smashes the windows, grows to a giant and stomps on the house (that was fun). Then completely burns everything, feeling deep satisfaction like a pyro does. Then collapses and starts sobbing in the corner. A corner appeared.
Then I talk to approval. This one is actually much harder. Approval keeps dodging me, and like a little kid, keeps laughing every time she gets away. I ask her what she wants to tell me, she says nothing. I ask her why she wants approval so bad, she says because, in a "duh!" tone of voice. I ask what would be so bad if you didn't get approval. She said then mom wouldn't love me, and I would die. And I loose my breath. She goes on to talk and says resentment was actually protecting me. I ask her what she would like to do, and we go back to the apartment that I lived in for the majority of my childhood age 6 - 12. I destroyed everything with a hammer, and killed the man that molested me. Note- I so deeply hated him and made it know to everyone every single day when he was in our lives, but was not aware of what happened until a month ago. Back to the meditation. I smashed him into the ground, and he got recycled to the center of the earth.
*When you recycle energy, you send it back to the center of the earth, and then it naturally goes to where it originally came from as pure gold energy, which is very healing to all.
Resentment comes in to hold my hand (Approval) and support me, I want to cry because of how loved I feel. Then I see Resentment (13 year old me) holding Approval (4 year old me) and they feel complete. I look at how I'm feeling and I feel nothing. No Thing. It feels really good to feel blank in that moment.
Now out of meditation, I feel good. I'm grateful to see those different aspects of me and how they were fighting in me and making me physically stuck in my life, but they were actually trying to help and just do their best to survive.
I share this meditation that is kind of violent, pretty dark, and painful because I want to show you that meditation can be anything. It can be like this super active and confusing, like you are watching a super confusing movie, or it can be visualizing, or just focusing on your breathing and having a blank mind. There is so limit to how meditating can go, and if you are one of those people that says they don't know how to meditate try a guided meditation on youtube. There are millions to choose from, just pick one that feels good to you.
I want to share this with you, because most of the time when I have a really painful meditation, my life changes and things just get easier, and I feel a much deeper and greater sense of compassion for myself, and less anger at the world. I don't know what I do that makes things work easier, but I'll get a phone call that someone I think has good taste wants to set me up on a date, or messages on my phone with three new clients wanting to book me, or my parents telling me a compliment I have been desperate to hear my entire life, or people on the plane just behaving really well. This one is the most impressive to me, I don't know what I have done, but I just don't get jerks on the plane anymore, people are patient, and help each other, and never yell at me anymore, its amazing. So while it can be so scary what you might see in meditation, if you stick with it, and allow it to run its course your life will get better in magical ways. I have no idea how, but I am sure you will be in awe if you put in the work.
I wanted to write about yesterday, there were a lot of interesting synchronicities that caught my attention. First off, I woke up right at 5:55, ding wide awake. That is unusual for me. One to wake up ready to go! And also noticing 5:55, I smile in my heart when I think about it. I'm not exactly sure what it means but I know its something good. As a side note, I love the number 5, I really like 3 and 7 too. I know that the universe will speak to you using things that you like. For example I love butterflies and feathers, they both tell me I am on the right path, some days I see tons of butterflies or feathers. Then I noticed 11:11, I know that means someone that loves me is thinking about me, whenever I notice 11:11 I meditate and try to soak up all of their love for that minute. Its wonderful.
I went to a Dean Graziosi seminar, while I wasn't ready to take the next step forward, I enjoyed my time. This year I really want to go to more seminars, at least 6, so now one is checked off. I got his book, Millionaire Success Habits, which I have been wanting for free! Awesome, thank you Dean! And I know of a new path I did not know about before to lead me to my dreams. During the seminar I was unsure so I meditated and for some reason my gut said it was time to leave, so I listened and left.
Then as I was going to bed, I flipped to the same exact page for the third time this week, maybe it was three nights in a row. That is weird. I love it. Every night part of my routine is to write in my journal then read a random page in the book, The Sophia Code, which is kind of like my bible. I have always been very spiritual but never have been religious, though I love learning about all the different religions. I like reading about the different goddesses, connecting with them, then as I sleep I know they are helping me out and upgrading whatever needs to be upgraded. If you are religious, you can do the same thing by connecting to who you love and they can help you in whatever way is most beneficial to you that you are ready for. They naturally know what you are ready for.
And the actual manifestation that was realized: I sent a health video to a family member that I love so much, and wish so deeply they would take better care of their health. If I could I would control how he eats. But you can't and that is not actually to their benefit anyway. So I sent him this health video with Dr. Daniel Amen interviewed on Health Theory. Dr. Amen is an expert in brain health, but like anything health in one area relates to health in another area. It was the first time I had sent him a video (I listen to these videos almost all day long), and sometimes I find videos that relate to a previous conversation I had. Literally my friend will be asking for solutions, I come across the video and send it to them, and often it is rejected. This is so annoying to me. I was nervous of being rejected by this family member, he is SO smart, but knows more than everyone else, and often gets in his own way. He used to be an incredible salesman, and many times has turned things around on me, so I was nervous of him doing that, somehow. But he didn't! He listened to the video and liked it!!!!!!!!! And is going to take action to move towards better health!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't tell you how much this fills my heart, getting tears right now. I have wished my whole life for this person to choose better health, so this is a giant deal. I am so grateful for this baby step manifestation <3 <3
Thank you <3
I actually logged on to work on my home organizing website, but then I saw that from my last post the views on my web page jumped from 722 to 946! I am so excited!! I hope you are enjoying what I am sharing. So my excitement prompted me to write.
So an update:
I only meditated for 20 minutes today. I decided to meditate focusing on my root chakra, I noticed how connected it was to my heart, and many other areas of my body. No images came up this time. I guess I was a little nervous of what might come up, because when I meditated before focusing on my root chakra I saw (or realized/remembered) that I was molested as a kid, right around age 7. I know who it was now. So that was a pretty painful, and yet SO healing meditation. Hopefully I will meditate again tonight.
My period came today, and was not that painful!!!! I am so happy, I must have done a good job listening and taking care of my body this week. And I kind of also think that I have been integrating so much, and being present with my femininity that I just carry less pain in that area of my body. This is huge.
I feel like I need to add that I used to have horrible periods, I used to faint, throw up, or be glued to the toilet because of the pain, my doctor thought I had endometriosis, and I probably did. But pain killers never worked, I don't take pain killers any other time except for my period, because I need to lower my tolerance, I have definitely way exceeded the recommended dosage within a few hours, and sometimes I still had pain. All I could do is be in bed, for sometimes two days. What does work for me, is consuming more iron and greens. NO SUGAR, NO ALCOHOL, and NO COFFEE, when I can tell my period is coming, that multiplies the pain. And sleeping well really helps too, so when I notice my period approaching, ie, I cry easily, start getting really annoyed at people, men are hitting on me like sharks, and I love how big my boobs are, I cut coffee, cut, alcohol, and up the green. I make it a point to eat spinach every day, when I used to eat meat, I made sure to eat more meat. And I will usually double up on my B Complex Vitamin, and Blood Builder Iron supplement. And I'm sorry to be gross but I have noticed a direct correlation to how much I poo and how little pain I feel. If I poo every day leading up to my period the pain is MUCH less, where as if I don't for even just one day the week before, the pain is much worse. The book Woman Code by Alisa Vitti really helped me. Oh, also I take a lavender vitamin that I buy at my doctors office, and use an essential oil blend specifically for periods.
I noticed a cute guy in the store while grocery shopping, and then noticed how insecure I got. I'm pretty, I'm no super model like I wished as a child, but I am definitely in the top 40%. But I guess I had not noticed my insecurity in a while. In high school and in my 20's I was so insecure that I would get red if a guy just talked to me, he didn't even need to be cute, or my age. I became quite a bit more confident when I became a flight attendant. And today I realized that I compensate for my insecurities by being "perfect." I love being perfect, and when I am an expert in something, that is when I feel the most comfortable. I also feel more comfortable when I am doing something/have a job that needs to be done, hence that is the reason I am talking to the guy. This is a good thing to notice, because now I can work on it. Its also a really good thing to realize that how insecure I am is actually the obstacle to being in a healthy loving relationship, instead of the belief I used to have (but after today, not anymore!) that there where just no good guys in my town. This is great! because I can actually work with this.
Other things that have happened. One of my family members told me that they just found out they get free unlimited therapy sessions though their insurance. This is actually one of the things I really wanted to happen this year, that they would seek out therapy for at least a year. So some manifesting is already falling into place <3
I cleaned my place for an hour, an instruction I get from meditating very often. And when I went to go buy more vitamins then woman gave me a $10 discount, that I didn't need to ask for. I really appreciated that. OH! And someone pick up my trip that I was supposed to work today, which I was so grateful for because today was supposed to be there worst day of my period, so I wanted to be able to be home an relax. I'll check my lotto tickets later.
Have a beautiful day, Jessica
My friend Susan, who I also see as a spiritual teacher just sent me this:
Unfortunately I could not copy and paste the text so if you'd like to read this channeling, not specifically directed for me, but incredibly fitting. Otherwise here is my best attempt at paraphrasing.
Basically this text states that a lot more is going on behind the scenes than one might realize. That my/your dreams are desires are much closer than you realize, and to follow any inspiration that shows up (like starting this online journal to document my manifesting process) You may find your self with creative energies, this is the divine moving through you, and act on it as it shows up
"As these come through, write them down and keep an 'ideas journal'"
Hahaha, thank you Lord Melchizedek! How perfectly fitting. And thank you to my friend Susan; Susan sends me these channelings when she thinks they might speak to me, and it this case I am going to have to tell her how spot on she was! So I guess its a good idea for me to have this online journal.
On a tangent, Susan is a really great healer, she has taught me so much about my own spirituality, she's one of the people that catapulted my own spiritual evolution, and helped me to be comfortable with my connection. She does wonderful healing sessions in person and over the phone. I did a healing session over the phone it was really nice, it felt like a massage, even though nobody was in the room. If you're interested in clearing out energy that no longer suits you, or just want to try something new I would suggest reaching out to her. You can contact her by e-mail: email@example.com or e-mail me, and I will connect you.
I just had to share the synchronicity, hope you have a great day.
Welcome to my online journal. Just to warn you not all of it will be pretty. But I have a little more courage than I normally would because none of my family knows about this. I have finally told my closest friends about this website, and how proud of it I am. None of my facebook or instagram "friends" know about this blog either. So as a preface, I love to write, and do automatic writing a lot. I can literally write 6 pages out of nowhere. So there will most likely be a lot of tangents. I'm sorry but I hope that you enjoy my journey, and that it inspires you in some way.
So here's where I'm at right now. For the most part I am happy. I love my job as a flight attendant, and home organizer. I am magic with kids, I love them and I think they know it. I can't even count how many times I have been on the street and a kid has come up to me, or jumped out of their parents arms, or just started waiving to me. Its so cute, and I love it every time. Parents always think its weird, but I know its normal. I know they can see me, energetically speaking. And I've also worked with kids for over 20 years, so I really get them. I am an indigo. I am very energetically sensitive, and was ashamed of the fact that I can see auras, and know people life path potentials, and can see when there are spirits in the room, or if a spirit is following somebody. As a child, and all the way though my 20's I was punished for it, not physically. I was never beaten, but my parents would yell at me complaining that I was so sensitive or picky. Then in school socially I was called weird, crazy, or I got "F You, you don't know what you're talking about." What I learned from this is that I am not allowed to be who I am. The scariest thing in the world was to let someone see the core of who I was. to the point that I didn't know. I learned how to fake happiness in high school, looking forward to getting home so I could cry a deep broken hearted 2 hour sob. Then later as I got old, I got panic attacks.
This led me to novelty, and being a travelhollic. I learned the best way to "cure" depression or sadness was to do something new. When you do something new this novelty sparks your curiosity, and absorbs your attention. I dare you to try to be sad and curious at the same time I don't think its possible.
As a note while depression and anxiety have been part of my journey, although a very important treasured part of my journey, most days I am happy now. Or experience happiness during the day.
So this past year has been an especially pivotal year. I have met a few key people that opened the flood gates to my spirituality. I had already been meditating for a while, and had many breakthroughs. But this year, man! I was getting big and little breakthroughs at least every day. Lots of crying, lots of completely zapped energy, lots incredible connection, moments where I'm just in love with life. Now when I see spirits I smile, and feel loved, I know what they want. I never see the scary ones anymore, and if I do, they usually teach me something. Jump to August 2018, I went to a Kyle Cease seminar, and one of the girls was telling her story, and it was basically the same Kylego I would have said, and naturally I started building on it, then it hit me, I realized how to the bone terrified I was to let people see this intuitive side of me, that is a giant chunk of who I am. Heather and Eva were sitting next to me and they just hugged me as I cried silently, trying not to let a panic attack happen. I'm getting tears right now. It was so sweet. And so hard for me to cry in public, and to realize how painful it is to be scared of letting people see who you are.
Heather and I have stayed friends, which I am so grateful for. I love talking to her, I can see her heart, and I feel seen with her. And so because of our conversation where I told her she should write a book of how she got through all of her stuff, I decided I needed to take my own advice. So here it is my own online journal of what I did to manifest a house, and just the best year ever.
PS if you're like me and really scared of speaking up I highly recommend starting a blog. Its so easy, you don't have to tell anyone, and I cannot tell you how much more satisfied I feel in my life overall just for putting my truth out there, even though I don't know who is reading it.
So today, January 8th, I started reading the book Mask of Masculinity by Lewis Howes, started this online journal, and in the car I said out loud "Thank you SO much that I won the lottery and bought my house!" As I was saying it I felt more and more excited and got louder and louder. Somebody wins the lotto, why not me. I will do so much good with it. I also hired my coach again :)
Comment below or send me an e-mail of what you want to create, experience, enjoy, achieve, whatever for 2019.
Love you, Jessica