Today I'd like to share my meditation. Today I set my timer for an hour, I started out sitting down, and was very fidgety, I decided to lay down. It felt like I had already been meditating for 20 minutes, only 5 minutes had passed. This is common for me to be very uncomfortable in the beginning of meditating. Very often my energy feels like lots of the blue balls in racket ball and the room is shaking to make the balls bounce faster and more all over the place.
*Warning: this is a painful meditation.
I lay down and I begin to settle down. PS I love Teal Swan. I usually meditate following some form of the guidelines from her book The Completion Process. I settle down and I notice a pain high in my stomach right below my rib cage, it feels kind of like a rock. I ask it what it would like to tell me. I don't get anything, I ask when was the first time you showed up, and flash to middle school. Some scenes in middle school are playing out, I experience defiance & rage towards my mom, then it flashes to me as a little kid, maybe 3 or 4, and its flashing back and forth. This is really confusing so I just try to be present with it. Then I hear "I don't want to any more, I'm not where I want to be. I'm stuck." I can only repeat that for a few minutes, then the colors show up. I'm not where I want to be, and see the color aqua. Ok, I don't want to be aqua anymore. (I'm not where I want to be. I'm so aware of this in my daily waking life.) That means I don't want to be what I'm "supposed" to be anymore = aqua. Then purple flashes. I'm actually purple. And the purple changes all different versions, lilac, lavender, royal purple, eggplant, muted, neon... Its really fun, it feels free. I'm lots of contradicting things, I don't want to fit into your box anymore. Then something in my head highlights, then something in my stomach. They all connect. I am staying present with all of these sensations. I try talking to the purple, it starts fading to grey and I start feeling panic.
Resentment comes up, then I realize that is what the scene from middle school represents. Then it flashes to 4 year old me, and Approval flashes. I am desperate for my mom's approval. They are fighting. Resentment is mean, and approval cowers away, but keeps popping up in different areas, trying to please, and get approval. This is very confusing to me, I don't understand how I can have opposite emotions in the same place. I decide to try Teal's technique of completely hearing each one out. So I talk to resentment, and she wants to burn the current house my mom lives in down to the ground, so that if you went back you would have no idea what used to exist. I let her. She completely destroys the entire neighborhood. She smashes the windows, grows to a giant and stomps on the house (that was fun). Then completely burns everything, feeling deep satisfaction like a pyro does. Then collapses and starts sobbing in the corner. A corner appeared.
Then I talk to approval. This one is actually much harder. Approval keeps dodging me, and like a little kid, keeps laughing every time she gets away. I ask her what she wants to tell me, she says nothing. I ask her why she wants approval so bad, she says because, in a "duh!" tone of voice. I ask what would be so bad if you didn't get approval. She said then mom wouldn't love me, and I would die. And I loose my breath. She goes on to talk and says resentment was actually protecting me. I ask her what she would like to do, and we go back to the apartment that I lived in for the majority of my childhood age 6 - 12. I destroyed everything with a hammer, and killed the man that molested me. Note- I so deeply hated him and made it know to everyone every single day when he was in our lives, but was not aware of what happened until a month ago. Back to the meditation. I smashed him into the ground, and he got recycled to the center of the earth.
*When you recycle energy, you send it back to the center of the earth, and then it naturally goes to where it originally came from as pure gold energy, which is very healing to all.
Resentment comes in to hold my hand (Approval) and support me, I want to cry because of how loved I feel. Then I see Resentment (13 year old me) holding Approval (4 year old me) and they feel complete. I look at how I'm feeling and I feel nothing. No Thing. It feels really good to feel blank in that moment.
Now out of meditation, I feel good. I'm grateful to see those different aspects of me and how they were fighting in me and making me physically stuck in my life, but they were actually trying to help and just do their best to survive.
I share this meditation that is kind of violent, pretty dark, and painful because I want to show you that meditation can be anything. It can be like this super active and confusing, like you are watching a super confusing movie, or it can be visualizing, or just focusing on your breathing and having a blank mind. There is so limit to how meditating can go, and if you are one of those people that says they don't know how to meditate try a guided meditation on youtube. There are millions to choose from, just pick one that feels good to you.
I want to share this with you, because most of the time when I have a really painful meditation, my life changes and things just get easier, and I feel a much deeper and greater sense of compassion for myself, and less anger at the world. I don't know what I do that makes things work easier, but I'll get a phone call that someone I think has good taste wants to set me up on a date, or messages on my phone with three new clients wanting to book me, or my parents telling me a compliment I have been desperate to hear my entire life, or people on the plane just behaving really well. This one is the most impressive to me, I don't know what I have done, but I just don't get jerks on the plane anymore, people are patient, and help each other, and never yell at me anymore, its amazing. So while it can be so scary what you might see in meditation, if you stick with it, and allow it to run its course your life will get better in magical ways. I have no idea how, but I am sure you will be in awe if you put in the work.